A 'hole' lotta nothin!

There's always that one that came into your life, broke all molds you ever thought existed and then as quickly as you fell, it's gone just as fast. The one that some may call 'the one that got away.' But not in this case. It wasn't my choice this time. It was his. And no matter what i do or say it will never the way it was ever again. And it just feels as if he took my entire insides with him when he left leaving me just an empty shell of myself. Forever wondering what could have been. What do you do when you aren't ready to let go, but they so easily are. how do you get over something that you still believe in? It ended so abruptly never having a chance with such a stubborn end.

You left me here open ended. I feel like you just have me on strings like a puppet. And you know exactly what you are doing. A part of me is so angry and doesn't ever want to speak to you again. While the other part of me feels like I could wait for you forever. As weak as it may sound to others. Telling me i could do better or get anyone else. These others just being fillers, never quite filling the hole you left in me.

eh eh

i've never felt so.....
a
l
o
n
e.........

Sunday, July 16th, 2006 4am

I don't think i will ever get this nightmare out of my daydreams. What's the gimmick of telling someone one thing and not even believing it yourself...This will never make sense even in the simplest words. Why do I let this lie eat away at the heart I could once control...It's like tripping over and over again onto sharp edges. I was once stronger than this. I've lost the control to contain what this world so evilly extricates. My walls came down way too early this time. Maybe that's why I lost so quickly...i drew my soldiers back too early. I pulled them back when there was more fighting to do...................I only have myself and my blind judgement to blame.

i know.

No matter what lies you tell me i'll always be on guard because i know better. No what i tell you, no matter how deep you think i have fallen, Trust me...i know better. Ive heard it all before, and i know what you do when i'm not around, i'm telling you, i know better. I dunno how long its gonna take you to realize what you had. When are you gonna stop being a child and grow up, I'm not waiting forever. There will be that day that i move on, and you'll be left where you can't seem to get out of. Then maybe finally YOU'LL know better, and it will be too late and i'll be gone...FOREVER!

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

At what point do you...or can you...just draw the line and say...I CANT DO IT ANYMORE! AND I DONT CARE! I don't care if he's got me wrapped around his finger, I don't care if I'm thinking with my heart instead of my brain. Who loves people with their brain...there are no songs that say they broke my brain, or i gave her the key to my brain...so leave my brain out of this!!!! I use that for math and memories ok!!! Besides, It hasn't killed me yet so whatever. Yeah it sets me up for a broken heart, but I can't be like them. I can't play these mind games anymore. Intentionally hurting people because they did it first. If it's gonna work, it's gonna work. The Big Guy upstairs knows whats gonna happen and that's it. Not my friends who are telling me "He's just messing with you. Get out now." It doesn't matter how many times I text him in a day, or how i respond to him. This shit I'm trying to pull is not me. I can't keep up with it. So I'm just gonna go with the flow and be myself. Do things the way I do them. And if I get hurt...so be it. It wont be the first, or last time. I'll live my life doing things and getting hurt rather than just sitting around and waiting for nothing to happen. Life is so fuckin short its unbelievable sometimes. Why waste it trying to mess with people when you can be making memories and learning things on the way.


Thats all.

Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.

Twisted, head over heels, upside down, inside out and simply unexplainable, all at the same time. Brain clouded by nothingness and something unclear at all times. Distracting confusion that comes and goes more quickly than any other desire of understanding. No sense of direction no matter where you face or turn. Roller coaster trails that can hardly ever be followed, as if it were a trick to just fall into and never come out alive. A dead end wall that seems to be climbable, but can never quite get over or near the top. Circles that make believe progress in your mind, but doubtful in your heart. An intertwining maze that only get more difficult with each turn and twist. A feeling of emptiness that lingers in the core of your body and soul, that never gets relief or fulfillment of any kind. A black hole of nothing that cannot be explained just described as something that just constantly eats away at you, day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, and all over again. A misunderstanding that never gets straightened out. A potentially beautiful picture that never gets finished. A meaningful, genius, life fulfilling book that never gets published. Just everything important to you your entire life, forgotten as if it never happened. Vacant inside. Desolate. Hollow. Insubstantial. A thesaurus of words that all mean the same only to capture and describe every single angle. That what it means to someone that feels the same broken, miserable vacuity day after day, with no end in sight.

I can't get over you.

And i dont know what to do. Always thinking about the what if and what coulda beens. What would it be like if i just gave you another chance when you were still trying. I re-read that letter in my mind constantly. Thinking about how much of it you actually meant. Every sad song brings you up. And there are a lot of good sad songs out there. lol. Sometimes i wish you would just answer me once.