ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

At what point do you...or can you...just draw the line and say...I CANT DO IT ANYMORE! AND I DONT CARE! I don't care if he's got me wrapped around his finger, I don't care if I'm thinking with my heart instead of my brain. Who loves people with their brain...there are no songs that say they broke my brain, or i gave her the key to my brain...so leave my brain out of this!!!! I use that for math and memories ok!!! Besides, It hasn't killed me yet so whatever. Yeah it sets me up for a broken heart, but I can't be like them. I can't play these mind games anymore. Intentionally hurting people because they did it first. If it's gonna work, it's gonna work. The Big Guy upstairs knows whats gonna happen and that's it. Not my friends who are telling me "He's just messing with you. Get out now." It doesn't matter how many times I text him in a day, or how i respond to him. This shit I'm trying to pull is not me. I can't keep up with it. So I'm just gonna go with the flow and be myself. Do things the way I do them. And if I get hurt...so be it. It wont be the first, or last time. I'll live my life doing things and getting hurt rather than just sitting around and waiting for nothing to happen. Life is so fuckin short its unbelievable sometimes. Why waste it trying to mess with people when you can be making memories and learning things on the way.


Thats all.

Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.

Twisted, head over heels, upside down, inside out and simply unexplainable, all at the same time. Brain clouded by nothingness and something unclear at all times. Distracting confusion that comes and goes more quickly than any other desire of understanding. No sense of direction no matter where you face or turn. Roller coaster trails that can hardly ever be followed, as if it were a trick to just fall into and never come out alive. A dead end wall that seems to be climbable, but can never quite get over or near the top. Circles that make believe progress in your mind, but doubtful in your heart. An intertwining maze that only get more difficult with each turn and twist. A feeling of emptiness that lingers in the core of your body and soul, that never gets relief or fulfillment of any kind. A black hole of nothing that cannot be explained just described as something that just constantly eats away at you, day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, and all over again. A misunderstanding that never gets straightened out. A potentially beautiful picture that never gets finished. A meaningful, genius, life fulfilling book that never gets published. Just everything important to you your entire life, forgotten as if it never happened. Vacant inside. Desolate. Hollow. Insubstantial. A thesaurus of words that all mean the same only to capture and describe every single angle. That what it means to someone that feels the same broken, miserable vacuity day after day, with no end in sight.

I can't get over you.

And i dont know what to do. Always thinking about the what if and what coulda beens. What would it be like if i just gave you another chance when you were still trying. I re-read that letter in my mind constantly. Thinking about how much of it you actually meant. Every sad song brings you up. And there are a lot of good sad songs out there. lol. Sometimes i wish you would just answer me once.

Fare Thee Well...

So tomorrow is my last shift before I'm on the road and out of this place. For a little while at least. I'm thinking that I will get there and realize that I don't want to leave. In that case, I guess this is goodbye for even longer than I planned. Which would make me OH SO happy.

I can't wait to get out of here. There are a lot of things I would like to do these next few days I'm gone. And think back to my life now while I'm there is NOT one of those things. I will absolutely not be turning back for even a second. I hate you MI. I hope you die while I'm gone.

just love me

Is this some kind of sick joke?

I believe you all [guys] are in this together. Like you all had a "Lets fuck with Leez" meeting after "psycho" broke up with me and here were the key points to emphasize on...

1.) Pretend you're normal.
2.) Act like you are different than the last.
3.) Then start getting pissed cuz she works too much.
4.) Ask why she's getting distant.
5.) CLING CLING CLING!
6.) Ask if theres someone else.
7.) KILL YOURSELF!!!!!

Ok i added that last one in for my own personal enjoyment. ANYWAYS, another one bites the dust i guess. I'm just so annoyed.

I think I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. Unless ya know Edward Cullen comes around...OR Rob Pattinson...hahaha I will gladly take either.



I am beginning to think I am hopeless...I dunno how I feel about being the cat lady.



Scaring all the neighborhood kids by staring out the window curtains and never leaving my house except to take out the garbage and get the mail. They won't come to my house on halloween either. And they will dare the new kid in town to knock on my door. "DAMMIT KIDS!! JUST LEAVE ME AND MY CATS ALONE!" Then wave my cane at them while my hand is at my lower back...PAIN!!!

Ok I think I'm done with that....lmfao that made me laugh, I dunno where that came from but it's all I got.

One Love

"I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." -EC

I woke up this morning looking like Sloth from The Goonies...Man I'd kill to watch that movie right now...lol HEYY YOUUU GUYYSS!!




I didnt even go to work..SCREW THAT! I'm just praying to the Lord above that the swelling goes down enough that i won't be completely and utterly humiliated at work tomorrow. UGH!!!

My BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF is coming home from FLA! WOOOOP! I cant wait...This weekend is gonna be very bad for my health..lol VERY BAD!!!




You know when you sit and wait for something to happen, and it just doesn't happen. THen when u effin forget about it...BADA BING! there it isss!!! I hate that shit dude. More than anything. Cuz by the time you 'forget' about it, you just don't care for it as much as you did...or something else had occupied your life...and yeah..are you following this? I don't think i even get what im saying......whateevverrrr...


My life seems very pointless....BAH!

It makes no sense at alllllll

Lately I have been having the WEIRDEST!!!! dreams ever...let me show you about who...





...weird right? They are so wild lately dude.

I need to get out of here and i've been in a 'less depressed' mood lately cuz i dunno what it is, but i just FEEL like its gonna happen soon. Like MY DREAMS are getting closer for some reason and i have NO idea why. Nothing really has changed. I've made a few arrangements to get my portfolio done soon. And i've been "dieting.." well trying to at least...lol

It's HARD!!!



SIGH!


Anyways, i hate the winter...its snowing right now...



cute you would think, but not really...fucking cold, fuckin snow, fuckin winter, BOO I HATE YOU!


So i texted you sat night, and u responded cuz you didnt have my number in your phone. You asked me the most ridiculous question on this planet. I answered no, but i dont think you believe me. Im quite sad and disgusted that you would actually deem that statement as true...you jerk. You told me you were gonna call me sun, you never did. ::sad face:::

We were really close at one point, and you are ONE of the FEW that i actually opened up to and told everything to. Then you disappeared. Im sad mad hurt depressed without you in my life. I wish you would come back.