where do we go from here?!

Confusion in a mask. It's not that time of year, so what's really going on? It's a game whether or not you believe it. You've told this tall tale so often now even you believe it. You needed a way out and you took the way I knew you would. I knew from the start that you were a coward in guys clothing. I hoped you weren't gonna end up the way I never thought it would. You're exactly what you said you weren't no matter how much you try to sway me away from it. No matter how much you deny it, or lie to me, you're still lying to yourself. I should have caught the signs when you threw them at me. Maybe I would've been able to stop myself from getting any deeper, or falling any harder.

You tricked me more than anyone I've ever known. Lying to me to keep me around is evil. What you think is helping is really hurting more than you'll ever know. This freedom you so desperately want will come back around and kick you in the ass, and honestly I can't wait. You always have to be the victim, and I'm sick of it. You're making the biggest mistake of your life. You better make sure you want this if I chose I don't. And it's getting to that point every passing day.

"Hermione," said Harry, shaking his head, "you're good on feelings and stuff, but you just don't understand about Quidditch."

Best friends tell eachother everything, though you tell me nothing. Important? I think not. They just tell you what you want to hear. How true that statement is. I'm the last one to find anything out, but should be the first. I dont feel like we're friends at all...im just there to speak when spoken too, jump when asked and etc. Whatever, we'll see about that.

I'm sick of being 2nd to everything. When I should at least be 1.2.

BAHHHH

"You should write a book," Ron told Hermione as he cut up his potatoes, "translating mad things girls do so boys can understand them."

I should be studying right now but blogger, facebook and my e-mail are distracting me. One more exam and I am out of this school that I have been trapped in for 2 years and on to another which I'll be trapped in for 3 more years. I was hesitant at first about this school, but when i thought about it I want to do this. But when the BF found out he has been anything but supportive which knocked me down real hard. But there have been way too many signs since the day I was accepted into this school, that i should be going here. I dunno if this is it, but there is something HUGE in store for me, I can feel it. And this change could be just what i need.


So I'll just go to school and do what I actually like doing, and wait...

done

I'm emotionally drained, but not really so I'm told. As everything going wrong in our relationship is my fault. I'm two feet from the edge and right now jumping looks so good. I'm so fed up. Why am I always the one to have to change? I've already changed so much for this fool and yet it's still my fault. I can't even stick up for myself because that me "turning the blame on him again." So I guess I'm just suppose to sit quietly and not speak to anyone.

I have never been yelled at like that in my entire life. And if I were to yell at him like that he would have left a long time ago. I wish I could just disappear.

He can ignore me for days...when I try I end up giving in. I don't even know what to do. He's so immature is sickening. I don't see him growing out of it anytime soon. I think I need to get out.

He doesn't even care. Writing this is making me hate his guts. I truly hate him right now. Like, I have never felt a hate like this in my life. A hate that i know is because I can't change him to be better.

hate.

It's been 1 year and 5 months....

When things seem too good to be true is a sign to get out right away. Good thing I wasn't a foot in deeper cuz then I might care. I should have stopped the clock to keep myself from wasting my time. Out so called relationship was built on lies. Well your side was. My side was torn down the day I labeled you as a liar. You should feel proud of yourself for being the first person ever to trick me into thinking you were worth it. You're obviously confused with what you want which sucks for you cuz something you could have had you lost. You can't help that your foolish games can't work with me. You lose. Forever.

Just when you think you've hit an all time low something worse happens and just drop kicks you when you down. I don't know how to deal with losing someone so close, I've been lucky enough thus far. I don't even know what to do anymore except pray. Nothing makes this go away. I've never been so sad, scared, broken before in my life.

Throw the sel[fish] back....

No one really know the real me. What I feel is always different than what I say. It's not me trying to be fake, it's just me blocking out the world because they don't belong. Everyone tells me to open up and share whats inside. I can't. That is not how I am. I am no an open book like most can claim to be. I like the fact that no one knows what goes on inside me.

Though the one person who I should and want to open up to doesn't really seem to care. He may ell me that he does a 1,000 times but something doesn't feel genuine about these particular words. It's the way he acts and talks and responds to me that keeps me closed still to this day. I don't know how to explain it to him without him getting upset. I'll just have to wait until he stops only caring for himself. Though he'll never admit to it, and I'll never be able to explain. I'm hoping he will grow out of his selfishness that he posesses as of now. He can't see it, but others can, and so can I.

It's there, hopefully not staying long.


Goodnight