"You should write a book," Ron told Hermione as he cut up his potatoes, "translating mad things girls do so boys can understand them."

I should be studying right now but blogger, facebook and my e-mail are distracting me. One more exam and I am out of this school that I have been trapped in for 2 years and on to another which I'll be trapped in for 3 more years. I was hesitant at first about this school, but when i thought about it I want to do this. But when the BF found out he has been anything but supportive which knocked me down real hard. But there have been way too many signs since the day I was accepted into this school, that i should be going here. I dunno if this is it, but there is something HUGE in store for me, I can feel it. And this change could be just what i need.


So I'll just go to school and do what I actually like doing, and wait...

done

I'm emotionally drained, but not really so I'm told. As everything going wrong in our relationship is my fault. I'm two feet from the edge and right now jumping looks so good. I'm so fed up. Why am I always the one to have to change? I've already changed so much for this fool and yet it's still my fault. I can't even stick up for myself because that me "turning the blame on him again." So I guess I'm just suppose to sit quietly and not speak to anyone.

I have never been yelled at like that in my entire life. And if I were to yell at him like that he would have left a long time ago. I wish I could just disappear.

He can ignore me for days...when I try I end up giving in. I don't even know what to do. He's so immature is sickening. I don't see him growing out of it anytime soon. I think I need to get out.

He doesn't even care. Writing this is making me hate his guts. I truly hate him right now. Like, I have never felt a hate like this in my life. A hate that i know is because I can't change him to be better.

hate.

It's been 1 year and 5 months....

When things seem too good to be true is a sign to get out right away. Good thing I wasn't a foot in deeper cuz then I might care. I should have stopped the clock to keep myself from wasting my time. Out so called relationship was built on lies. Well your side was. My side was torn down the day I labeled you as a liar. You should feel proud of yourself for being the first person ever to trick me into thinking you were worth it. You're obviously confused with what you want which sucks for you cuz something you could have had you lost. You can't help that your foolish games can't work with me. You lose. Forever.

Just when you think you've hit an all time low something worse happens and just drop kicks you when you down. I don't know how to deal with losing someone so close, I've been lucky enough thus far. I don't even know what to do anymore except pray. Nothing makes this go away. I've never been so sad, scared, broken before in my life.

Throw the sel[fish] back....

No one really know the real me. What I feel is always different than what I say. It's not me trying to be fake, it's just me blocking out the world because they don't belong. Everyone tells me to open up and share whats inside. I can't. That is not how I am. I am no an open book like most can claim to be. I like the fact that no one knows what goes on inside me.

Though the one person who I should and want to open up to doesn't really seem to care. He may ell me that he does a 1,000 times but something doesn't feel genuine about these particular words. It's the way he acts and talks and responds to me that keeps me closed still to this day. I don't know how to explain it to him without him getting upset. I'll just have to wait until he stops only caring for himself. Though he'll never admit to it, and I'll never be able to explain. I'm hoping he will grow out of his selfishness that he posesses as of now. He can't see it, but others can, and so can I.

It's there, hopefully not staying long.


Goodnight

The best medicine for Confusion...

How do you fix something that isn't broken? Better yet...what if it is broken but you have absolutely no idea what is wrong. Then what do you do? Guys need to come with an instruction manual or something...because sometimes it just gets ridiculous. I could probably smoke about 4 packs of Marlboro lights right about now. Stress at its finest.

My job isn't helping whatsoever either. GODDD DON'T GET ME STARTED!!! TOO LATE! Here I go...This program that I'm working has gone to complete SHIT!! It's unbelievable. It has come to the point where I want to just punch every person that comes near me in the FACE. There is NO organization, they can't pay us on time [which is kicking my ever loving ass in the long run] AND I have to work bullshit hours. Also seeing as I'm a veteran from last year, which by the way was the greatest year ever, the people I used to work WITH, I now have to answer to. POWERR TRIPPPPSSS!!! This one girl I work with cops a mad attitude with me when I work with her...Does she honestly think I won't hit her in the mouth? Cuz i will...we don't have a HR center...i could get away with it.

The man who now runs this years program is about as smart as a f*cking rock. He graduated a year ahead of me...so like seeing him as the MAIN guy running this program, well lets just say, I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN! There will not be a team next year at the rate we are going. I would just like to talk to him and tell him hes a f*cking moron, and should be kicked off this team forever. I hope he blames this program sucking on the people working it, cuz hes the behind the scenes kinda guy while we are out and about. I just want him to say something about us not being on the ball...cuz i will kick him in the balls and then tell him REALLY why this is shiiiit!

Ok im done venting for now...

Peace and LOVE people

June 13, 2006

I like to go back and read the journal I used to write in religiously...So Im gonna share some of it...

"So what do you want me to do? You can be sneaky all you want but don't you know I'll find out? How do you explect me to be head over heels when shes pulling the rug out from under me and you.

I know you have too many notches for your bed post to show, but they shouldn't be still adding up. You said the carving was done. So why do the numbers keep poppin up?

She spits her words out at a close friend because she knows the damage she wants to do. Now whether or not it's true is whats making me disapprove of this encounter between you and I.

*****

That awkward conversation was forced upon me Monday between me and someone who never fails to start a pointless fight. I gave him up, but it seems like I gave up a like that I used to have too. It was like breaking it up broke my friend apart from me too. Yes we work but not 24/7. Phone calls aren't being made between friends. I'm missing out on everything, but its ok for now.

*****

I can't seem to get the past out of my head. Lately my first broken relationship is lingering in the front of my mind. He's gotten me out of his head I believe, and has his new obsession. As I write this my moms alarm is on and as I'm talking about him his myspace song comes on. Weird.

Anyways, I miss old times. There are too many problems and not enough solutions in my life. i'm lonely and nothing seems to fix it. Lonely=Broken right now so I guess call me broken.

It's not that i want our relationship back. Thats not what i want. But to be friends would make it ok. I miss his friends that were once mine. My lonliness isnt fair to anyone but you."